Things to Consider

So I've been a little absent lately. It's been a busy and stressful week. I was really looking forward to the weekend to relax a little and decompress. A coworker died last week and it was completely unexpected. She had asthma problems and some joint issues, she had actually had a knee replacement just a few months before. Her cause of death was ruled an asthma attack. When someone is taken so quickly and unexpectedly it really makes you rethink some things. During her funeral things were said about how she lived her life. She basically lived for just a few things that were important to her: church, her family and her friends. Always available for a chat, if you were upset she'd cry with you and not be embarrassed, she gave great hugs and she truly knew herself. It made me think about myself and where I'm at right now.

I started wondering what exactly I'm doing and what I'm living for. Don't take that out of context (if anyone is actually reading this lol). I'm happy for the most part and satisfied with how my life is going. But at the same time I feel like I've made some mistakes and I don't know how to right them. In the past year or so some decisions I've made were not for the best. I know I've hurt certain people and they've hurt me. Possibly irreparably. I never feel comfortable knowing I've ruined a relationship or that something was said that can't be taken back. But at the same time I've never been one to hold back when I'm upset. I lead with my heart and that gets me into trouble at times. I tend to say things in anger and not think of the consequences until later.

It's hard to know what actions to take when you know someone has been lying to you. Promises were made and then not kept, lies uncovered and apologies never given. Does it really take so much energy to tell someone "I'm sorry I hurt you"? Apparently so.

I've taken the stance that I will not live my life with regrets. Everything happens for a reason and possibly a decision that was made months ago means something better will happen in the future. Maybe that was part of the master plan to show me to lead in a different direction and I will establish better personal relationships. I lead with my heart, not my head. And in typical fashion, I fall too hard and make leaps - not steps. Life is about steps and taking those steps with someone by your side - not behind or in front of you. The worst part is knowing I can't go back and make things better. But then again, do I really want to change someone to be someone they are obviously not? Of course not, I want them to be the person they were - the one I was close to and wanted in my life. If that persona is an act - then so be it. I just won't be a figure in their play anymore. Regardless of how much I want them to be a part of my life - it is what it is.

I've wandered from my true purpose here - again leading with my heart not my head. To sum it all up - I've made mistakes. I can't change things but I can make better decisions in the future. I owe it to myself and my family to be happy and a positive person. I just wish the memories didn't follow so closely.