Things to Consider

So I've been a little absent lately. It's been a busy and stressful week. I was really looking forward to the weekend to relax a little and decompress. A coworker died last week and it was completely unexpected. She had asthma problems and some joint issues, she had actually had a knee replacement just a few months before. Her cause of death was ruled an asthma attack. When someone is taken so quickly and unexpectedly it really makes you rethink some things. During her funeral things were said about how she lived her life. She basically lived for just a few things that were important to her: church, her family and her friends. Always available for a chat, if you were upset she'd cry with you and not be embarrassed, she gave great hugs and she truly knew herself. It made me think about myself and where I'm at right now.

I started wondering what exactly I'm doing and what I'm living for. Don't take that out of context (if anyone is actually reading this lol). I'm happy for the most part and satisfied with how my life is going. But at the same time I feel like I've made some mistakes and I don't know how to right them. In the past year or so some decisions I've made were not for the best. I know I've hurt certain people and they've hurt me. Possibly irreparably. I never feel comfortable knowing I've ruined a relationship or that something was said that can't be taken back. But at the same time I've never been one to hold back when I'm upset. I lead with my heart and that gets me into trouble at times. I tend to say things in anger and not think of the consequences until later.

It's hard to know what actions to take when you know someone has been lying to you. Promises were made and then not kept, lies uncovered and apologies never given. Does it really take so much energy to tell someone "I'm sorry I hurt you"? Apparently so.

I've taken the stance that I will not live my life with regrets. Everything happens for a reason and possibly a decision that was made months ago means something better will happen in the future. Maybe that was part of the master plan to show me to lead in a different direction and I will establish better personal relationships. I lead with my heart, not my head. And in typical fashion, I fall too hard and make leaps - not steps. Life is about steps and taking those steps with someone by your side - not behind or in front of you. The worst part is knowing I can't go back and make things better. But then again, do I really want to change someone to be someone they are obviously not? Of course not, I want them to be the person they were - the one I was close to and wanted in my life. If that persona is an act - then so be it. I just won't be a figure in their play anymore. Regardless of how much I want them to be a part of my life - it is what it is.

I've wandered from my true purpose here - again leading with my heart not my head. To sum it all up - I've made mistakes. I can't change things but I can make better decisions in the future. I owe it to myself and my family to be happy and a positive person. I just wish the memories didn't follow so closely.

What's the story Morning Glory?

You might have noticed that I removed the word "Lupus" from my title. I don't know what is going on anymore. My visit to the Cleveland Clinic was not what I expected. Well, the visit was fine but the blood tests that came from it were disappointing. My results showed no discernible levels of Lupus but they did show levels of inflammation. My doctor thinks more then likely the first test I had was a false positive. My symptoms of muscle pain, joint pain, headaches and fatigue can be attributed to another cause.

Fibromyalgia is another funny little problem that a lot of people have. The problem is it has a bad rap of being a "mystery" disease that is "all in the person's head. There isn't a test that can definitively point to Fibromyalgia - most of the diagnosis is based on duration of symptoms and quality of them. I'm not sure what I'd rather be diagnosed with as they both have serious issues and complications. To be honest, I'd rather not be diagnosed with anything and not have to deal with the daily pain and issues that surround what I'm going through. But if I have to deal with this I want a diagnosis of something firm. I hate when people ask me what's going on and I just have to kind of shake my head and say "I'm not sure". It feels like I'm hiding something when really I'm just clueless. Not a good feeling.

My little angel

Just thought I'd share a little bit about the most important person in my life - My son B. This is when we went to the park the other day to play on the playground while his dad was playing in a softball game. He really didn't grasp the concept of shoveling the sand into the bucket. He was a lot happier just to push his shovel into it. He has absolutely grasped the family obsession with the Pittsburgh Pirates as well. They might be absolutely horrible right now but we still support them!



And you know if we support the Pirates we support the Steelers as well. My favorite player just happens to be B's as well. Troy Polamalu - if you're reading this - I'd love to introduce you to my son but I can't guarantee he won't try to pull your hair - it's longer then mine and he loves to play in it. ;-)

Cleveland isn't intimidating AT ALL

Back from the Cleveland Clinic and my visit didn't go too badly at all. It was surprisingly easy to find and navigate. There is a lovely shopping plaza on Cedar as you're coming into the city called Legacy Village - WOW. We (my husband and I) stopped to eat at the Cheesecake Factory before my appointment. That really helped to settle my nerves a bit but proved to be a detriment later.

My appointment was at 1pm and we got to the correct building/floor at 12:30. Surprisingly, we were taken right back to the exam room. After vitals and cursory questions were asked the nurse left and my DH and I were just sitting there looking at each other. Thank goodness the doctor came in soon. He was super thorough and very efficient. I was really very pleased with the visit. He did say that the tests that were run by my local hospital/lab corporation were done in a way that "bothers" him. He said that they used a method he's not familiar with to run my Anti Double Strand DNA test - he was being polite and trying to not say it was antiquated. My ANA test was also defined as Low and he didn't like that either so he decided to re-run all of the blood tests and expand on a bunch more.

The funny thing was, he also ordered a CAT scan. Now, those who know me, don't make jokes lol. I've always said there was something wrong in my head so you don't have to. He just wants to make sure my headaches aren't being caused by something else. To be honest, I think he was kind of doubting the results - that he thought I didn't really have Lupus after all. I asked him what could cause the muscle pain if it wasn't Lupus and he said there isn't any other good reason for it. I was joking about making him place a bet and he wouldn't take me up on it.

Lupus is one of those issues where it is hard to pinpoint. The symptoms can be annoying, hide behind other problems and mislead. The ANA test is the first step to diagnosing. My level was read as 1:40 - anything under 1:80 is considered a negative test. Generally when someone has Lupus their numbers are in the 1:720 or 1:360 range. However, my mother also has this disorder so they ran the Anti DS DNA test which is more exact. The DNA test is way more exact on picking out Lupus. The ANA can bounce around and it can also change depending on what lab is used. Very annoying. I was told there is a 50% chance of the ANA having a false negative or false positive - GREAT. However there is less then a 10% chance of the DNA test being a false positive. So, until he gets my results back in 2 weeks I'm in another holding pattern.

I go for my CAT scan next Monday. That's the part I alluded to earlier. If I had known that I was going to have a CAT scan I wouldn't have ate lunch at 11:3oam. You can't eat for 4 hours before the scan. I could have had it done yesterday if I'd know that and had been better prepared. Good thing is, I don't have to drive 2 hours back to Cleveland. I can take it in Niles which is more like 1 hour away.

So, overall not a bad experience. I don't like having to go back in 2 weeks to go over my results again but you'll have that. I'd rather be sure about what we're dealing with.

Second Giveaway

Sorry I've been neglecting you!!

I had a great idea the other day - why only give one prize away? I'm going to give a custom ring to a random fan in my drawing just like I promised - BUT - I'd also like to give a pendant away to the person who refers the most friends.

So get on those friends of yours and show off my stuff.... wait, that sound greedy.... um... how about....

..........


nope, that's still the best I've got! Show me off and the prize could be yours... will it be something like this? A lovely little double pendant?? Sea Blue Quartz and Freshwater Pearl








Or maybe something that has a little more of a statement to it... such as this gorgeous Argentinian Rhodochrosite


Let me know what you think the style should be!!